"Strawberry Fields Sweet Like Summer."
Summer 2022
I love the feelings I get of Summer... That excitement for what is to come...with the feelings of the warm sun kissing your skin.. the warmth from the summer sun glowing over my whole body.
I can feel the warmth radiating over me when I close my eyes.
Swimming in the coldest water known to man (in my case Lake Tahoe.) Taking my breathe away every summer that rolls back around. No matter how many years that pass this is always the same... the water is so cold it makes my legs go knob at my knees, Always searching for my favorite rocks to take home...
The smell of the summer rain dancing onto the pavement... washing all my worries away.
The first taste of freshly washed strawberries touch my lips.
My fingers stained red just like the sunburn along my nose & cheeks. Glowing from the inside onto my outsides.
Every summer I look forward to these small summer joy's sense I was very young... my inner child goes searching for these summer joy's often, now that I am older it has stayed the same in many way's... but also feeling so different, All at once.
I learned so much about myself every summer.. sense I was young I have noticed this within myself.
Towards the end of each summer, I always look back on what life lessons I am have learned, where I need to grow to next, How I am feeling overall within my spirit. My body.
Where I stand within myself and who I am. the goals I manifest for the next summer.
Its starting to come to the end of the summer... and here I am sitting here absolutely taken back by what I have done.
what I have had to do... and the life lessons I have learned in the three months time.
I have grown in ways I never thought I would....
I am here.
I am alive.. I made it through the desert.
This Summer has been the most challenging.. life changing.... Eye opening summers of my life.
So here is one of the massive life lesson's I learned this summer.
ONE MISSISSIPPI. FORGIVING YOURSELF & IN THOSE WHO DESERVE IT. HEALING FROM THE PAIN. MOVING FORWARD.
THIS LIFE LESSON WAS LEARNING TO FORGIVE MYSELF & MY SISTERS, HEALING THE PAIN THAT I FELT AND CAUSED BY MY OWN ACTIONS.
THIS ONE IS FOR MY TWO OLDER SISTERS.
NOTHING NOT EVEN A BROKEN FAMILY COULD KEEP US APART.
I AM SO INCREDEILY PROUD OF YOU BOTH.
I LOVE YOU, BOTH VERY MUCH.
When I was small my two older sister's would come to visit. I would say "Are they here yet???
I can't see them dad" as my mom and dad and my younger brother would wait at the airport from them to land.
When I would finally see them I would ran to them my spirit feeling whole again.
I would cry every time we would take them back to the airport to fly home at the end of the summer.
Them going home meant summer was over.
I no longer could have my sisters down the hallway from me.
That meant the hole I felt would arrive again within my spirit feeling like something was always missing...
I missed having my two older sisters when ever I wanted.
I had these feelings again.. My inner child kept coming out to play.
These feelings rose up fast within myself as my inner child cried out while my sisters got to come to visit this summer for the weekend.
When it was time for them and there families to drive home, I cried like I was 3 years old again at the airport not wanting them to leave.
I have no other way in saying this but FAMILY IS EVERYTHING.
This over all has been a massive eye opening lesson for me this summer, it may be obvious.
This has always been important to Me
To my family.
But until things changed I was hit in the face with yes, Family really is Everything...
The Family your raised with or the family you choose to be your family.
FAMILY IS EVERYTHING. I will not go into detail on what took place within my family as I would like to keep that private.
Lots Of Therapy.
But I can share this, after not getting to talk to or see my sister's there small amazing families they have created. (also both my sisters being my best friends my whole life.)
Two years is a lot of time. Within those two years we all have grown deeply within so many ways.
We learned and healed in our own ways without each other. It was so hard...but it all worked out and amazingly enough we made it through.
The Chaos.
This summer weekend visit meant everything to me. To my Mom and to my family over all.
Healing that pain/ hurt the heaviness of it all lifted away.
This was one of the best moments of my summer and having my whole family come back together again all of this was worth it.
We lost yes, two years together and this one of lessons I will have to bare for the rest of my life..
knowing I missed out on both my sisters lives with out me in it.
I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. MISSING OUT ON TWO YEARS OF MY SISTERS LIVES.
I am so lucky & over joyed that we all took that time to heal and much more.
But I wouldn't want to go through that again. A massive lesson learned on my end.
FAMILY IS EVERYTHING.
I know this can be different for everyone, so please be aware of that when you may ask yourself these questions I have listed here.
So here's my little talk I want to have with you. In some of the lesson's I have learned with this massive life lesson, my family healing and getting to have my sisters back in my life.
And doing all the hard work to get to this point of rebuilding my bond with them. I ask you some of these key questions I asked myself.
ONE: IS IT WORTH THE PAIN & HURT? On the other Hand. IS IT WORTH FIGHTING OVER?
TWO: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO SAY THAT? YIKES I WUOLD TAKE A STEP BACK & REMEMBER YES THEY ARE JUST WORDS BUT FUCK.
YOU CAN HURT SOMEONE DEEPLY WITH JUST WORDS. DONT SAY SOMTHING YOU WILL REGRET. KARAM IS WATCHING.
THREE: WILL I BE ABLE TO DO THIS WITHOUT THEM IN MY LIFE? WHAT IF THIS IS THE END OF OUR RELATIONSHIP? FOR NOW OR FOR GOOD?
MAKE SURE TO ASK YOURSELF THAT. PLEASE... YOU WILL THANK ME LATER.
TWO MISSISSIPPI. Self-Discovery, "Letting go of those who no longer server you."
The end of the rope when it comes to ending of friendships. DEEPER UNDERSTANDING WITHIN.
I need to watch my tongue, when it comes to topic. But to be honest no I don't. this topic is short and simple.
It has taken me serving high school. Im pretty much sick of it.
Ending a hand full of toxic friendships To standing here at 26.
Dealing with the fact I just ended a friendship, A BIG FRIENDSHIP.
This one hurt But weirdly enough at the same time it didn't hurt anymore.?
When I cut this friendship off, I felt a massive release.... off of my back?
A breathe of fresh air?
Here is a hint of how I feel when I'm done dirty.
When you push me to the edge... that's it... that's where I draw the line in the sand.
Your done. It's over. When I ended this friendship. That's it, Your died to me.
I don't play game's, I don't have the time or the care to Fuck around in any of that.
This individual knew I was extremely vulnerable (at this very very sentive time in my life.)
& still tried to Lie to me and use me.?
I was faced with the fact this wasn't about me.
This was about them.. and a life lesson they need to learn/face. This wasn't about me.
They have some inner demons to face.
This was there issue not mine to face.
I am glad I ended it when I did.
I needed to heal without sharing my life with this person.
I needed to back off and have them figure it out for themselves.
Without having me hold there hand through it.
Without me.
This summer I finally made sure to do that work, learn this lesson.... through ALL the failed friendships I have had.
I walked through each one and made sure to take notes on where I failed.
I can be a better friend/ a better person.
I have noticed, the same Life lessons came up again and again. Never ending.
I HAD TO LOOK WITHIN AND NOTICED I NEVER ALLOWED MYSELF TO SET BOUNDRIES WITH THESE FRIENSHIPS.
WITH MYSELF?
I ALLOWED THIS TO TAKE PLACE? WHY?.
THIS WAS A MASSIVE LESSON TO HAVE THAT KEPT SHOWING ITS SELF TO ME.
OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND I WOULD PUSH IT AWAY.
FOR NO JOKE YEARS I ALLOWED THIS TO TAKE PLACE?
THIS SUMMER I FINALLY LOOKED AT IT AND I SAID, "OK. IM READY. COME & GET ME."
I KNOW WHY. I KNOW WHY I NEVER WANTED TO SET THOSE BOUNDIES WITHIN MYSELF & THOSE FAILED FRIENDSHIPS.
I DIDN'T WANT TO UPSET ANYONE. I DIDNT WANT TO HURT ANYONE.
I DIDN'T WANT TO START A FIGHT.
I WAS USED FOR MY LOYLATY, MY HONESTY, I WAS SEEKED OUT FOR THERE OWN COMFORT.
And so much more... it hurts to look at it all when its all layed out on the table.
THIS IS NOT HEALTHY THIS IS WHERE I FAILED ON MY END. I TAKE RESPONABLITY FOR MY ACTIONS.
I am a great friend to those I get to share my friendship with.
I deeply care for each of my friends. I love hard and I will always stand up for my friends.
I am not perfect no one is. Bottom line its not hard to be a good person and a great friend.
Sit down & listen. Be there for your friend's, They need you now more than ever.
BE BETTER HUMANS. Just a few key points I wanted to shine some light on.
I will leave you with a few of these questions I wanted to ask you. but before I do. I want to say. This is life and yes this is all part of it.
If this has happened to you, I want you to know I see you. I'm so sorry this may seem hard now. But yes,
"THIS TO SHALL PASS."
Be gentle with yourself. Your doing great.. This time is very fragile, Do the things that make your spirit happy.
Create time to be with yourself, Have a good cry if you need to. Write down a goodbye letter & burn it.
Here are some thoughts I wanted to ask you.
- what have you learned when it comes to ending friendships, What has been the hardest part for you?
What made this hard for you in the ending? What emotions did you feel? How did you move on after.
-What made you want to end the friendship? What was the bottom line for you? When was the "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT" moment?
- What big lesson did you learn? What will you do to do better in the next friendship you start?
Breathe, Your doing great, You got this. I am so proud of you.
THREE MISSISSIPPI.
This May My Mom was Diagnosed with Cancer.
This topic alone I have decided to do a whole other blog post for.
For a couple reason's, but I noticed I went all out with this post. It's long enough, :~).
That post will be about the path my Mom & my family has taken with all this. My thought process behind this. To also touch on the topic of why people tend to also be so negative when speaking about anything with Cancer? When My mom & my family have been positive. The Talk about manifestation. Remember the power of where you put your energy into.
Thank you to everyone who taken the time, the love and care into wanting to read this blog. This is a place for all of us to share. To just be and have a human connection.
We are all trying our best. Your not Alone. Your never really alone. I see you.
